This is my least favourite lesson thus far… at least in the worst 5.
I have always tried to meet EVERYONE as the best versions of themselves, I would ignore warnings, judgements and character predictions from others and really just see the person I am meeting, as perfect! I loved this superpower of mine and had delusional hopes of instilling this approach in others too.
Of course I have been hurt and disappointed, but never deterred. Reassuring myself that we are all on different stages of our journeys and what happened was good and right.
This time, my heart truly broke. Finally understanding and experiencing heartache like I can't ever recall having. Processing and at first defending the ones who inflicted it and then finally reaching the lesson… Sometimes people are just shitty people.
Its so easy, almost second nature, for us to go look for the fault within ourselves, to find blame and beat ourselves up. Many times this serves us and we learn how to be a better version of ourselves. Other times…this time for me; we need to give ourselves a pat on the back and be proud for not losing integrity. I have poured my heart, soul, blood and sweat out onto and into this land and space. I have fixed the broken and expanded . I have given and been what I set out to. I have helped others and loved all.
I guess when you know something is a life-long commitment, you don't see the urgency is doing EVERYTHING at once, you look forward to the changes with time, the growth over years. Like you don't teach your new born everything from walking to algebra in a month.
I have been grateful and consistently appreciative for finally being rooted in a kind of permanence that can grow and evolve. And above ALL, my intentions have remained as pure as they were before this temporary gift.
I am still who I am, I stand in my truth and welcome cross examination and curious questioning. I cannot say this hurt will leave me unchanged, at the very least, it will leave a scar. I might be more cautious about rebuilding a future on someone else's promise, I might not even build one at all, who knows. What I DO know though is whatever I do, my intentions will be pure and my integrity will remain intact and unscathed.
Sometimes, people are JUST Shitty people and that's okay. Don't allow them to make you a shitty person too.