Shoulder Shrugging gets a bad wrap; This week, the shrug saved me.
The assault started with a bladder infection, the first in years! My body and I have a pretty good relationship, I appreciated her cry for water and acknowledged my part in the problem. By that evening, after a good system flush I felt my kidneys thank me and I had relief.
Woke up very late the next morning, body aching all over, I feel stiff and stuffy and again acknowledge that maybe my body is just tired, texted my students and clients and took to bed. I was kind to myself, only did what I wanted to and rested. Contrary to the day before however… by evening I was feeling worse, my legs and lower back were constantly screaming and I had no idea what they were saying. I closed my business, sent out notices and hoped I just need another days R and R. But the mind…
Twenty-six months ago I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. (Read about that experience *here*) I allowed it for two months, I suffered it and my life and business suffered because of it. For the last two years, I have refused to let it affect my life. I get up move every day, be-it a little later on tough days. I have not allowed it to impact my life, my loved ones or my business again. Now I am lying awake thinking this is either the worst flare ever or my body is taking revenge or this is the tax you pay in exchange for all the good days you got.
I don’t want to bore you with all the shifts and aches and moments of agony. There were plenty. From out of breath and exhaustive moments, to hours of deep throbbing hurt, emotions inevitably convince you this must be the end. The biggest frustration is not knowing. Not knowing if an organ is about to explode and kill me instantly, not knowing what my body needs or why she is screaming like this.
Between the body and her limitations and the mind’s seemingly limitless imagination, my soul was getting ready to exit. This separation of mind, body and soul called me to union, demanded some yoga.
By Thursday night I was feeling a little less scared, not because I wasn’t scared anymore, but what can I do?? Shoulder shrugged and decided to attempt a favourite yin class my old yoga guru recorded for me shortly after moving here.
About 23 minutes in I was crying. Yes every single asana, induced an impaling kind of pain. That familiar knob in my throat rose and fell synchronically with my breath. This was yin yoga though… at 150seconds a pose, after six days of zero exercise, during a full moon and while I wasn’t feeling myself… Another shoulder shrug… it is what it is.
But then I started bawling… from emotions, from pain, frustration, defeat, lack of control over my own body and wellbeing!!
(Funny enough… my full moon intention this month was to release control… but that’s a-whole-nother blog.)
Tears streaming down my face and this suffocating ache clenched down onto my deepest core, I sat back in childs pose… very briefly, as this compression induced even more pain. I sat up, wiped my tears and tried to calm myself, my breath and my heartrate. In a few moments of breathing I accepted defeat, accepted failure and realised a few things.
I slept better, not that I had less night sweats, less awakenings, less visits to the loo, less water trips or less discomfort… but because shoulder shrug… I just fretted about it less.
I do not know what the problem is, how long it will stay, what I will be able to do and what I won’t, I also do not know how to fix it, but for a change, I don’t need to.
Last shoulder shrug to confirm I accept not knowing.
It’s been 2 days since accepting this proverbial yet quite literal, thorn in my side. I can’t say that there is any less pain, it’s just more localised now.
What I can say though is; accepting my body for where it is at right now, makes it easier to accept others as and where they are too. So start there, whether you are in perfect health or not. Appreciate and accept your body and its current state, all the time.
Thank you for reading, take care of your thoughts until we share them again.
update: 1st of June, pain still there, but I am no longer in agony, can stand longer, walk better, still get very out of breath though. x